I comfort people when listened to.
I start off sounding seemingly quiet
As time pasts, my loudness comes through.
With a tune that is outgoing,
Onto a tune that makes you sigh,
I give content and later
You’re sad maybe with tears in the eyes.
Mainly comes a sweet sounding tune
That makes you warm and thankful,
So I excite people with my friendliness
Making you feel like my sisters and my brothers.
Short in length is who I am,
But larger than you have seen and heard.
I have simplicity and am lighter than many others
and less serious in character.
With different notes and different tunes,
My true personality comes out.
I express the happy and sad in me
And make you jubilant, distressed throughout.
I am like a Sonatina.
Hey Traci!
ReplyDeleteI noticed you didnt have any comments so, heres my comment to you! XD sorry, its late and im tired..
Great poem, its really touching and its really you. I can hear you in the poem, i can hear you reading it. Its a great metaphor.. I was a little confused at first about what a sonatina was but now i understand!
With the voice I express through high and low notes,
I comfort people when listened to.
I start off sounding seemingly quiet
As time pasts, my loudness comes through.
-good way to start the poem. It leaves people wondering what you are, and what you're talking about. For the "i start off sounding seemingly quiet", great line. Though, i do think itd sound better if it was just "i start off quiet".
With a tune that is outgoing,
Onto a tune that makes you sigh,
I give content and later
You’re sad maybe with tears in the eyes.
-I love this stanza(is that what it is? i forgot).I dont see anything wrong with it except the last line.. i got confused when you said "maybe with tears in the eyes". Since you already said "you" in that line, it could be "you're sad maybe with tears in your eyes".
Mainly comes a sweet sounding tune
That makes you warm and thankful,
So I excite people with my friendliness
Making you feel like my sisters and my brothers.
-Pretty good, lots of verbs(warm,thankful,excite..) I dont anything wrong but proof-read in just in case.
Short in length is who I am,
But larger than you have seen and heard.
I have simplicity and am lighter than many others
and less serious in character.
-This, is really you. Youre quiet but once we get to know you, youre a small quiet girl with a big personality. I dont see much wrong, but proof-read! :)
With different notes and different tunes,
My true personality comes out.
I express the happy and sad in me
And make you jubilant, distressed throughout.
-Great way to end it. Has all the feelings. Still makes people wonder what you are. great verbs (express, distressed).
Overall, great poem.. i know im repetitive in the whole comment, sorry. But i think all you need to do is proof-read it. Its sounds great, cant wait for your video!
-Rebekah
Hello Traci, ^____^
ReplyDeleteYou have a very nice poem written. You really relate what a sonatina is to your own personality and character. For example, "I start off sounding seemingly quiet
As time pasts, my loudness comes through." I find this part of the poem very true about you. You are quiet at first, but when we got to know you better, you're not as quiet as we think you are. However, when you say, "As time pasts", the pasts should be 'passes', just to let you know. Also, there is this one part that I do not understand. Like this one, "I give content and later
You’re sad maybe with tears in the eyes." I got a little confused here. Maybe you need to fix it up a little, but if you tell me what you're trying to say, that would be helpful. hahaha :D Anyway, you have a nice poem overall, but you can tweak it a little bit to make it sound even better. Check for some misuse of words, like the one I pointed out earlier. Well, that's all I have to say. GOOD LUCK (:
-Sharmaine
TRACI!
ReplyDeletewow, you're poem is great! You described yourself very well! this line: "With different notes and different tunes, My true personality comes out." I can really see that you are different, either your personality, moods, etc... one thing I am nnot so sure about is this line:
"and less serious in character."
what do you mean by less serious in character?
With the voice I express through high and low notes,
"I comfort people when listened to.
I start off sounding seemingly quiet
As time pasts, my loudness comes through."
I can really see this in you, quiet when we first met you, and you started to sprout out into your personality after.
I think your essay is good! It might need some work here and there but I think it's ready to be made into a video! Remember that the video will SHOW your personality, Hope you do well!
Good Luck!
Shnanel ;]
Hi Traci,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your poem :) I can tell that you enjoy and understand the music that you play :)
Your teammates have some good suggestions--to make the wording more direct in places and to correct the grammatical stuff like "pasts" for "passes."
I would also recommend you replace "distressed"... is that the impression you want to convey? That you (and a sonatina) "distress" or upset people?
Nice job! Guess you'll have an easy time with the background music for this video :)
mrs s